Raymond Chandler Will be Required Reading!

Because it really is just that cool ...

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

And I will be able to travel to/from my own magical Narnia, only to return looking like Alexandra Breckenridge ... no fair otherwise!

American Horror Story's 2nd Season Will Top the First!

Or Ryan Murphy will be required to re-write it at my bidding!

Cougars Will Reign Supreme!

And will never be criticized for their younger playthings ... like Dhani Harrison and Evan Peters, who will most certainly be part of my boy toy harem!

John Lennon and George Harrison Will Live On!

Because the world isn't the same without these geniuses in it.  Period.

Piercing Persecution Will End!

And all of the Judge-y Holier Than Thou types will wail and gnash their teeth in the streets ...

L.A. Noire Will be Required Gaming!

Because it really is just that cool ... 

"Heart Shaped Glasses" Will be Played Around the Clock!

P.S. Despite my love of this song/video, Evan Rachel Wood will not be pardoned from her bitch slap ...

Japanese Anime Will be Banned!

And stop annoying the shit out of me on Tumblr!

Postscript ... Final Fantasy will finally die a slow and painful death and cease to exist ...

Evan Rachel Wood Will be Bitch Slapped!

For even thinking she could pretend to be Dita ... All will rejoice that her Marilyn Manson era has ended.  Women will be forbidden to take up with another woman's husband and then proceed to try to make themselves into their competition.

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

And I will wake from an nausea-free anesthetic (read: Propofol induced) sleep looking like Dita Von Teese ...

Mitt Romney Will Be Flushed From the Gene Pool!

After he's been rendered unemployed and stripped of all of the money in his many bank accounts.

Facebook Will Cease Pissing Me Off!

All Will Be Required to Revel in Horror!

I Will Possess All Groovy Things in the Universe!

I will own both of these beds ... because they're cool as hell!

Porcupine Tree Will Perform at My House Every Week!

Did I mention that my backyard would be 20 gazillion acres?  With many beautiful trees to shade the stage?

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Steven Wilson will be part of my boy toy harem ... :drool:

Paula Deen Will Be Flushed From the Gene Pool!

Rolled in butter, sugar, deep fried, and smushed between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

"Braveheart" Will Be Banned!

"The problem with Scotland, is that it is full of Scots."  So sayeth King Edward Longshanks.  The problem with Braveheart, Mel Gibson's "historical" take on William Wallace, is that it is a big steaming pile of dog shit.


Don't get me wrong.  I'm actually a big fan of historical based movies and TV series ... when they're just a tad bit closer to how history actually played out and they don't serve as cinematic masturbation for the producer / writers / director / lead actor.

I won't beat a dead Scottish horse into the ground here by regaling all of the historical inaccuracies because there's too many to count and they've all been cited ad nauseum here on the web.  Suffice it to say that I found Mel Gibson's reimagining of this time period in history to be one of the more offensive and insulting movies I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Why?  The sole purpose of taking such liberties is to play up the first pumping, male macho bullshit that is prevalent in this sort of sweeping, "epic" Hollywood movie.  Me, man! :pound chest:  Make war!  See bad guys die!  Yep, we get it.  You're a bad ass, even though your ass goes down when you're drawn and quartered in the end .... but, damn!  You take it like a man and you go down fighting!  If there were a way to measure testosterone levels of male viewers during this film, I'm pretty sure you'd find it through the roof.  I suspect there were a lot of high-five'ing white guys excitedly exclaiming  Dude!  That movie totally kicked ass! as they walked out of the movie theater.  I passed a few of them myself, actually.

But wait, ladies!  There's something in it for you!  Mel didn't leave you out.  As William Wallace lays dying while being torn apart, he looks up to see ... his dead wife!  Walking through the crowd whipped into a blood lust frenzy!  Awww ... now how sweet is that?  He's dying but there's a silver cloud lining here ... he gets to be with his one true love in death.  Clutch that kleenex, girlie, because that was most certainly meant to appeal to all female fans of such pabulum as the Notebook, Bridges of Madison County, and Up Close and Personal.

When it came down to it, I couldn't decide if I should grind my teeth in disgust or laugh my ass off at this hilarious comedy disguised as a supposedly compelling drama .... so I did both.  The best laugh of the movie, I should note, was reserved for 'ol Mel chewing up the scenery and entertaining us with his faux Scottish accent.  I'm pretty sure he went to the pirate school of acting because all he was missing was the eye patch and a hook hand in trying to channel William Wallace.  But hey, at least I got a laugh out of it all, even though I can assure you it wasn't worth the price of admission.

Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the version of Mel Gibson portrayed onSouth Park.  Now there's some real male macho acting for you, complete with farting and exploding diarrhea.  Thank you, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, for portraying the Gibson and Braveheart persona with such accuracy and honesty ... five out of five piles of steaming dog shit on the high-five'ing white guy scale!

Lewis Carroll Will Reign Supreme!

I will create a channel that's dedicated 24x7 to Alice in Wonderland!

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

So I can get that Kate Beckinsale look without ever going under the knife!

Valentine's Day Will Be No More!

Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day ... how do I loathe thee??! First off, it's a "holiday" (and I use that term loosely) that Hallmark led the charge on mass producing, designed to force people into buying sappy, dumb ass cards with very bad poetry in them along with all the crap that has to go with the card. I'd reckon that very few men can get away with just a card. Roses, boquets of various flowers, jewelry, electronic gadgets, dinner out, a movie etc. Turn on the TV the week leading up to Valentine's Day and you'll know what's expected, and the cutsey "personal" stories masquarading as news are likely to make you want to gag if not full-out vomit.

Guys, just try and buck the tradition and watch how your girlfriend/wife reacts. That scowl and bitchy disposition is no accident. She thinks she deserves this treatment because, hey - it's frickin' Valentine's Day. In some bizarre alternative universe that I like to pretend isn't earth, this means you owe her something. You could show her every day of every year that you love her in a billion ways, but forget Valentine's Day and your ass is grass. Hmmm, doesn't sound very healthy when analyzed, does it? In fact, it sounds pretty dysfunctional and messed up. If the guy is lucky, he might get some later on that night, and that's a big IF with many women I've known. That's his reward for being a good boy and doing what was expected of him.

Secondly, this so-called holiday does a terrific job of making anyone who's not in a relationship feel like utter crap, the dregs of society - despised, unwanted, and unloved. This holiday is not geared for you so go away. We don't care about you because you're not out spending money on useless junk that nobody's going to care about a year from now let alone the day after. You have no one to give things to. You're nobody until you're with somebody. To take it a step further, I'd also say you're nobody unless you're married to somebody. That, my friends, is one of the saddest facts I've found living on this planet.

It puts this tremendous pressure on people, especially women, to hurry up and push for marriage at all costs whether it makes sense or not, whether they actually love the person or want to spend the rest of their life with him or her. Nobody wants to die a spinster or, as I like to refer to myself, the crazy cat lady. I've had a few women say to me when I make the crazy cat lady joke -- well, at least you can say you were married. Yes, a marriage that ended in divorce. That worked out well for me, didn't it? I always get a slightly annoyed don't-bother-me-with-downer-facts-like-that sister, because the fact is you got to have the big party, wear the white dress (representative of the virgin you're not), and be the star of the day. So even if you don't stay together with that person, at least you got to say you did it. 

I laughed the first time I heard this comeback because I remember it as one of the lines from When Harry Met Sally. Sally had just gone through a break-up and her girlfriends are trying to get her back in the game again, and when Sally says she's not ready yet because she's still grieving she gets big eyes from her audience. "Well, don't wait too long, you remember Ken Bruckman? He got divorced and everybody said give him time, don't rush him. And then he died." Sally, looking completely mystified, looks at her girlfriend and says "so you're saying I should go out and marry someone incase he may die?" To which her other girlfriend responds: "At least you could say you were married." Tell me Hollywood doesn't imitate life.

We don't need to wonder why the divorce rate is so high in this country, folks. Many if not most people get married for the wrong reasons. If you cut through all the crap, it gets down to people not wanting to be alone. We're deathly afraid of it. Life is a race to nab somebody before you die, and the clock is ticking the whole time. So, Valentine's Day essentially serves as an annoying alarm to remind one of just that: Hurry up!  Find somebody quick or you may die alone!

And if you are alone? I'll play you the episode of a multitude of TV shows where a lonely corpse lays in a coffin and nobody comes to pay their respects (Six Feet Under is a good reference for that actually). Hell, I'll play you Eleanor Rigby, the bittersweet sadness of living and dying alone, with no one really realizing or recognizing that you've died. "Father MacKenzie wipes the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave ... no one was saved." The images are everywhere, it's a non-stop barrage with the media beating the drum. In the end, I find it very humorous because we all die alone -- married or not. That's a fact. You don't get to take somebody with you. It's not like a second grade trip to the restroom. ;)

I often wish that I lived in a healthier society that wasn't so hell-bent on forcing everyone into square holes. That's the other piece to this dysfunctional Valentine's Day puzzle. People don't want to be lonely and people just want to fit in. To fit in is to be accepted, approved of, and loved. "All of my friends are getting married and having kids." "My family doesn't approve of us living together so we're going to get married."

There's a multitude of reasons people use to convince themselves that there's a perfectly rational reason why they want this for themselves. Many of us are constantly looking for acceptance, and in order to gain it, you must follow The Rules, as I like to call them. You can't win in the game called life and not play by the rules. Remember the board game Life?  You have path A, B, and C ... and it's up to a wheel spin - not you - which you end up on.  I'm pretty sure if you look up the word metaphor online, this example is out there.  Talk about getting trained up at a young age. Hurry, get the brain washing machine going before they can think for themselves!  I was known to kick my spouse and children out of the car if I was unfortunate enough to land on either space ... my goal was always to finish the game with just the one peg plugged into the car, and if the wheel was kind to me -- with a helluva lot of money to boot. ;)

People are individuals and we're all different, but things aren't setup to encourage that let alone allow it to blossom. I admire people who fight hard against society "norms" because I believe them to be very strong; they don't bend to what people want or expect them to do. They stand firm and resolute in what they believe. In many situations, these people end up being the "outcasts" of society, and I find that very sad. There's a very real penalty to be paid for individual expressionism. Don't ever think otherwise. We may laugh at movies like the Stepford Wives, but there's a sinister undertone to it that is very much alive and well in our world.

So now I've finally said it. One thing I myself will stand firm and resolute on -- I will go to my grave never celebrating a single Valentine's Day, alone or not. In fact, it may go on my tombstone: "Here lies the Crazy Cat Lady Who Said Screw Valentine's Day till the Day She Died!" 

Battles Against Jackass Drivers Will Be Waged & Won!

All trucks and buses will be required to drive in the RIGHT HAND LANE ONLY on highways. I am sick to death of getting stuck behind them in heavy traffic whilst trying to fight my way into work.


They drive 55 mph in 70 mph zones, take too long to get up to speed on entrance ramps, slow down too fast on exit ramps, you can't see past them, and they have huge blind spots in which you - the driver next to them - can disappear into (the bermuda triangle of traffic?).


In order to ensure these vehicles stay in their one allowable lane on the highway, the right hand lane will be surrounded by the biggest hard core electric fence ever invented on both sides that will emit a bolt of electricity with such force that the entire vehicle and its driver will suffer the consequences should they try to venture outside their lane. 

All drivers who insist on driving in the left hand lane below the speed limit or exactly at the speed limit but then SPEED UP as you go to pass them will pay the penalty of being a massive jerk by being restricted to driving in the above mentioned truck / bus lane, stuck behind a bus that's half a block long, spits up enough black smoke out of its tail pipe to suffocate a human being, drives 45 mph, and fakes like it's stopping to let people off and pick people up throughout the entire route ... even though it's the highway.


See, in my universe, the bus driver has a really twisted sense of humor. Like me. And said driver of vehicle will be forced to deal with the same level of frustration the rest of us normal people experience in driving behind and then trying to get around THEM. Only in this scenario, said jerk will be unable to ease their frustration by getting around the bus without risking a serious jolt to the system ...

The Weather Will Bow Down Before Me!

I will mandate that temperatures will be consistently stable and not fluctuate wildly, as seems to be the norm anymore. I will personally ensure the following:

Winter: Temperatures will never rise above 35 degrees. And we WILL HAVE SNOW!
Spring: Temperatures will remain within the 60-70 degree range.
Summer: Temperatures will remain within the 70-80 degree range.
Fall: Temperatures will NEVER rise above 50 degrees. And we will ALWAYS have fall color.

I will not allow temperatures to be 50 degrees one day and 80 degrees the next. This will be designed for my body to better adjust to the warmer weather without going into shock, and it will provide my sinuses a much needed break. Living as I do with a permanent sinus infection that never goes away, simply goes dormant awaiting for the next weather fluctuation, is not fun and it's not something I personally recommend experiencing.

If the weather does not obey my commands, it will be forced to pay for all of the medical and drug bills I crank up treating said sinus infections. And it will most definitely have to endure my wrath, which can be extensive when I'm made to be uncomfortable, sick, and annoyed.

The Fake Plastic Universe Will Be Abolished!

Products will not be incased in that ridiculously thick plastic that defies any object used to open it, including hands, scissors, knives, chainsaws, flamethrowers, grenades, nuclear bombs, and the like. I've come to the conclusion that this particular brand of plastic has special super powers that creates a force field around the product, making it impossible to open without completely decimating the package.

It's been noted since I was old enough to open a package up, that I have absolutely no patience for cracking the secret code to getting through that force field. I'm not Luke Skywalker, nor do I have aspirations of becoming a Jedi. To this day, I leave behind a wake of demolished packages and boxes that have rallied against me in battle but have ultimately lost the war. Yes, people ... I play to win!

In my universe, the following specific changes will be made (but are not limited to) because they annoy me the most:

1) Cereal box tops will no longer have super glue that's used to seal them shut, so that when you foolishly make an attempt to open them, they refuse to close again using that folding-flap method that's supposed to work but really doesn't 90% of the time. The cereal itself will no longer be packaged in that waxy plastic that's vacuum sealed to the point where all of the cereal detonates and flies out of the box if you're lucky enough to have gotten past the box top,  that is.

2) Electronics, my FAVORITE type of packages, will no longer be wrapped in that thick, Teflon coated clear plastic that prevents me from enjoying instant gratification post-purchase. Typically, this brand of death defying plastic not only incases the main device itself, but also every associated accessory that comes with it, so extracting the product from its prison is akin to solving the Rubiks cube, which for the record, I always sucked at. 

3) CDs (the few I still buy) will no longer have that vacuum sealed clear plastic suctioned to them. The "tear here" strip on CDs never works. I go to tear it open, and it opens a millimeter and then rips off in my hand in a very "ha ha!" manner, causing me to pick a knife up and threaten it with sure death if it doesn't comply with my demands.

If I'm fortunate to break the plastic seal and tear the plastic off without destroying the CD case, then I have to contend with the most death defying plastic of all … the dreaded security strips. They should come with a warning … "attempting to break through these security strips may cause excessive bleeding from knife wounds which could, in turn, cause serious injury or death." 

As I've been observed to have no patience with opening things, it's also been noted that I am a terrible klutz with knives and should really not be allowed around them at all. Just looking at them causes stigmata-like cuts on my hands. You may think I'm kidding. I can assure you I am not.

Future packaging will be made of a brand new material discovered by scientists I employ that seals and protects the product without sealing the consumer out of the product itself. What might this special material be, you may well ask? I don't know, that's why I employ scientists, you see. Yes! Proof that my head does more than contain my brain and grow hair (and that I haven't killed off an extraordinary amount of brain cells from years of brain abuse). The best queens know to surround themselves with the best and brightest because they make her look even better, and as a bonus, will be there to grant her every whim!

To make things even easier on consumers, all future products will be manufactured with a button that, when pressed, opens itself up without any human intervention whatsoever. Cereal boxes will open with ease and the box will kindly pour cereal into your bowl. The protective layer around electronic devices will automatically roll down like a car window and the device will jump into action (e.g. my new iMac will walk over to my desk, hook itself up, and boot up). CDs will have a special zipper-like device that will automatically unzip and the CD will jump in your stereo or your computer's disc drive for immediate listening pleasure. How is this all possible, you might wonder? Did I mention that my universe will resemble The Jetsons? "Meet George Jetson. His Boy Elroy ..." 

It's good to be the queen!