The Fake Plastic Universe Will Be Abolished!

Products will not be incased in that ridiculously thick plastic that defies any object used to open it, including hands, scissors, knives, chainsaws, flamethrowers, grenades, nuclear bombs, and the like. I've come to the conclusion that this particular brand of plastic has special super powers that creates a force field around the product, making it impossible to open without completely decimating the package.

It's been noted since I was old enough to open a package up, that I have absolutely no patience for cracking the secret code to getting through that force field. I'm not Luke Skywalker, nor do I have aspirations of becoming a Jedi. To this day, I leave behind a wake of demolished packages and boxes that have rallied against me in battle but have ultimately lost the war. Yes, people ... I play to win!

In my universe, the following specific changes will be made (but are not limited to) because they annoy me the most:

1) Cereal box tops will no longer have super glue that's used to seal them shut, so that when you foolishly make an attempt to open them, they refuse to close again using that folding-flap method that's supposed to work but really doesn't 90% of the time. The cereal itself will no longer be packaged in that waxy plastic that's vacuum sealed to the point where all of the cereal detonates and flies out of the box if you're lucky enough to have gotten past the box top,  that is.

2) Electronics, my FAVORITE type of packages, will no longer be wrapped in that thick, Teflon coated clear plastic that prevents me from enjoying instant gratification post-purchase. Typically, this brand of death defying plastic not only incases the main device itself, but also every associated accessory that comes with it, so extracting the product from its prison is akin to solving the Rubiks cube, which for the record, I always sucked at. 

3) CDs (the few I still buy) will no longer have that vacuum sealed clear plastic suctioned to them. The "tear here" strip on CDs never works. I go to tear it open, and it opens a millimeter and then rips off in my hand in a very "ha ha!" manner, causing me to pick a knife up and threaten it with sure death if it doesn't comply with my demands.

If I'm fortunate to break the plastic seal and tear the plastic off without destroying the CD case, then I have to contend with the most death defying plastic of all … the dreaded security strips. They should come with a warning … "attempting to break through these security strips may cause excessive bleeding from knife wounds which could, in turn, cause serious injury or death." 

As I've been observed to have no patience with opening things, it's also been noted that I am a terrible klutz with knives and should really not be allowed around them at all. Just looking at them causes stigmata-like cuts on my hands. You may think I'm kidding. I can assure you I am not.

Future packaging will be made of a brand new material discovered by scientists I employ that seals and protects the product without sealing the consumer out of the product itself. What might this special material be, you may well ask? I don't know, that's why I employ scientists, you see. Yes! Proof that my head does more than contain my brain and grow hair (and that I haven't killed off an extraordinary amount of brain cells from years of brain abuse). The best queens know to surround themselves with the best and brightest because they make her look even better, and as a bonus, will be there to grant her every whim!

To make things even easier on consumers, all future products will be manufactured with a button that, when pressed, opens itself up without any human intervention whatsoever. Cereal boxes will open with ease and the box will kindly pour cereal into your bowl. The protective layer around electronic devices will automatically roll down like a car window and the device will jump into action (e.g. my new iMac will walk over to my desk, hook itself up, and boot up). CDs will have a special zipper-like device that will automatically unzip and the CD will jump in your stereo or your computer's disc drive for immediate listening pleasure. How is this all possible, you might wonder? Did I mention that my universe will resemble The Jetsons? "Meet George Jetson. His Boy Elroy ..." 

It's good to be the queen!