"Braveheart" Will Be Banned!

"The problem with Scotland, is that it is full of Scots."  So sayeth King Edward Longshanks.  The problem with Braveheart, Mel Gibson's "historical" take on William Wallace, is that it is a big steaming pile of dog shit.


Don't get me wrong.  I'm actually a big fan of historical based movies and TV series ... when they're just a tad bit closer to how history actually played out and they don't serve as cinematic masturbation for the producer / writers / director / lead actor.

I won't beat a dead Scottish horse into the ground here by regaling all of the historical inaccuracies because there's too many to count and they've all been cited ad nauseum here on the web.  Suffice it to say that I found Mel Gibson's reimagining of this time period in history to be one of the more offensive and insulting movies I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Why?  The sole purpose of taking such liberties is to play up the first pumping, male macho bullshit that is prevalent in this sort of sweeping, "epic" Hollywood movie.  Me, man! :pound chest:  Make war!  See bad guys die!  Yep, we get it.  You're a bad ass, even though your ass goes down when you're drawn and quartered in the end .... but, damn!  You take it like a man and you go down fighting!  If there were a way to measure testosterone levels of male viewers during this film, I'm pretty sure you'd find it through the roof.  I suspect there were a lot of high-five'ing white guys excitedly exclaiming  Dude!  That movie totally kicked ass! as they walked out of the movie theater.  I passed a few of them myself, actually.

But wait, ladies!  There's something in it for you!  Mel didn't leave you out.  As William Wallace lays dying while being torn apart, he looks up to see ... his dead wife!  Walking through the crowd whipped into a blood lust frenzy!  Awww ... now how sweet is that?  He's dying but there's a silver cloud lining here ... he gets to be with his one true love in death.  Clutch that kleenex, girlie, because that was most certainly meant to appeal to all female fans of such pabulum as the Notebook, Bridges of Madison County, and Up Close and Personal.

When it came down to it, I couldn't decide if I should grind my teeth in disgust or laugh my ass off at this hilarious comedy disguised as a supposedly compelling drama .... so I did both.  The best laugh of the movie, I should note, was reserved for 'ol Mel chewing up the scenery and entertaining us with his faux Scottish accent.  I'm pretty sure he went to the pirate school of acting because all he was missing was the eye patch and a hook hand in trying to channel William Wallace.  But hey, at least I got a laugh out of it all, even though I can assure you it wasn't worth the price of admission.

Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the version of Mel Gibson portrayed onSouth Park.  Now there's some real male macho acting for you, complete with farting and exploding diarrhea.  Thank you, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, for portraying the Gibson and Braveheart persona with such accuracy and honesty ... five out of five piles of steaming dog shit on the high-five'ing white guy scale!