Raymond Chandler Will be Required Reading!

Because it really is just that cool ...

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

And I will be able to travel to/from my own magical Narnia, only to return looking like Alexandra Breckenridge ... no fair otherwise!

American Horror Story's 2nd Season Will Top the First!

Or Ryan Murphy will be required to re-write it at my bidding!

Cougars Will Reign Supreme!

And will never be criticized for their younger playthings ... like Dhani Harrison and Evan Peters, who will most certainly be part of my boy toy harem!

John Lennon and George Harrison Will Live On!

Because the world isn't the same without these geniuses in it.  Period.

Piercing Persecution Will End!

And all of the Judge-y Holier Than Thou types will wail and gnash their teeth in the streets ...

L.A. Noire Will be Required Gaming!

Because it really is just that cool ... 

"Heart Shaped Glasses" Will be Played Around the Clock!

P.S. Despite my love of this song/video, Evan Rachel Wood will not be pardoned from her bitch slap ...

Japanese Anime Will be Banned!

And stop annoying the shit out of me on Tumblr!

Postscript ... Final Fantasy will finally die a slow and painful death and cease to exist ...

Evan Rachel Wood Will be Bitch Slapped!

For even thinking she could pretend to be Dita ... All will rejoice that her Marilyn Manson era has ended.  Women will be forbidden to take up with another woman's husband and then proceed to try to make themselves into their competition.

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

And I will wake from an nausea-free anesthetic (read: Propofol induced) sleep looking like Dita Von Teese ...

Mitt Romney Will Be Flushed From the Gene Pool!

After he's been rendered unemployed and stripped of all of the money in his many bank accounts.

Facebook Will Cease Pissing Me Off!

All Will Be Required to Revel in Horror!

I Will Possess All Groovy Things in the Universe!

I will own both of these beds ... because they're cool as hell!

Porcupine Tree Will Perform at My House Every Week!

Did I mention that my backyard would be 20 gazillion acres?  With many beautiful trees to shade the stage?

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Steven Wilson will be part of my boy toy harem ... :drool:

Paula Deen Will Be Flushed From the Gene Pool!

Rolled in butter, sugar, deep fried, and smushed between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts!

"Braveheart" Will Be Banned!

"The problem with Scotland, is that it is full of Scots."  So sayeth King Edward Longshanks.  The problem with Braveheart, Mel Gibson's "historical" take on William Wallace, is that it is a big steaming pile of dog shit.


Don't get me wrong.  I'm actually a big fan of historical based movies and TV series ... when they're just a tad bit closer to how history actually played out and they don't serve as cinematic masturbation for the producer / writers / director / lead actor.

I won't beat a dead Scottish horse into the ground here by regaling all of the historical inaccuracies because there's too many to count and they've all been cited ad nauseum here on the web.  Suffice it to say that I found Mel Gibson's reimagining of this time period in history to be one of the more offensive and insulting movies I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Why?  The sole purpose of taking such liberties is to play up the first pumping, male macho bullshit that is prevalent in this sort of sweeping, "epic" Hollywood movie.  Me, man! :pound chest:  Make war!  See bad guys die!  Yep, we get it.  You're a bad ass, even though your ass goes down when you're drawn and quartered in the end .... but, damn!  You take it like a man and you go down fighting!  If there were a way to measure testosterone levels of male viewers during this film, I'm pretty sure you'd find it through the roof.  I suspect there were a lot of high-five'ing white guys excitedly exclaiming  Dude!  That movie totally kicked ass! as they walked out of the movie theater.  I passed a few of them myself, actually.

But wait, ladies!  There's something in it for you!  Mel didn't leave you out.  As William Wallace lays dying while being torn apart, he looks up to see ... his dead wife!  Walking through the crowd whipped into a blood lust frenzy!  Awww ... now how sweet is that?  He's dying but there's a silver cloud lining here ... he gets to be with his one true love in death.  Clutch that kleenex, girlie, because that was most certainly meant to appeal to all female fans of such pabulum as the Notebook, Bridges of Madison County, and Up Close and Personal.

When it came down to it, I couldn't decide if I should grind my teeth in disgust or laugh my ass off at this hilarious comedy disguised as a supposedly compelling drama .... so I did both.  The best laugh of the movie, I should note, was reserved for 'ol Mel chewing up the scenery and entertaining us with his faux Scottish accent.  I'm pretty sure he went to the pirate school of acting because all he was missing was the eye patch and a hook hand in trying to channel William Wallace.  But hey, at least I got a laugh out of it all, even though I can assure you it wasn't worth the price of admission.

Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the version of Mel Gibson portrayed onSouth Park.  Now there's some real male macho acting for you, complete with farting and exploding diarrhea.  Thank you, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, for portraying the Gibson and Braveheart persona with such accuracy and honesty ... five out of five piles of steaming dog shit on the high-five'ing white guy scale!

Lewis Carroll Will Reign Supreme!

I will create a channel that's dedicated 24x7 to Alice in Wonderland!

Plastic Surgery Will Work Miracles!

So I can get that Kate Beckinsale look without ever going under the knife!